GOD IS OXYGEN
By Janine Carrero
Life is an exciting, and at times, scary roller coaster of defining moments. Some moments take us days, if not years, to recognize and others, we are blessed to intimately know upon impact. Some moments we meet with resistance and others we welcome like oxygen. For me, a defining moment welcomed like oxygen, was the day my husband led me to Crossover Church where I found forgiveness and began a relationship with God.
For more than a decade prior, I was drowning in shame and regret for actions I chose as a teenager that convinced me I could never make up for. This only led to more sin and all that comes with it. Daily, I would fight to make my way to the surface, swimming toward the shore, while gasping for air, only to find myself pulled back into a tsunami of unforgiveness of myself. And of course, the devil led me to believe that God too, would never forgive me. This deceit deprived me of so much joy as I battled with depression and self-hatred on a consistent basis. This battle was more apparent on Sundays when I allowed myself to believe that I was not welcome in the house of the Lord. Sure, I went to church at times, but dressing up to look the part, reciting uniform prayers and hymns, and a lack of fellowship left me with no real connection and more questions than answers. My belief that I was unwelcome due to the mistakes I made in my past left me paralyzed with fear at the thought of asking God for forgiveness. This eventually led to making Sundays my day to fight, rather than worship, our Father and King.
Oh, how this truly broke my heart since I knew God had been a constant presence in our lives. There was never any doubt that he was real. At this point, I witnessed God care for my beloved husband during a brain tumor diagnosis and the four surgeries that followed, along with a severe battle of depression due to the constant pain and the new norms of his disability. Though I could not bring myself to ask for forgiveness and healing for me, I knew I could ask God to help his beautiful child, my husband Mark. Not only did he answer my prayers, but he showed up in undeniable ways, as others around us witnessed that nothing was impossible for God. Yet, I continued to punish myself by not laying everything at his feet. As a result, I drove my husband and me in circles. And we would probably still be on a toxic ride, lost and far from home, had it not been for God’s relentless pursuit.
After his first surgery in 2001, Mark had a friend visit him in the hospital where he presented him with a gift. It was a CD by Urban D. Captivated and longing for a relationship with Christ himself, Mark wanted to catch a service at Crossover Church. Until this time,I had been an incredibly supportive wife in all things, but not this. As such, his suggestion was met with, “Go to a hip-hop church? Are you crazy?” That was the response from me. Then in 2005, Mark and I had our first home built. Being able to afford this was a blessing since Mark’s disability changed our financial situation entirely, with me now being the only one able to work. But the true blessing was learning that our new, next door neighbors were members of Crossover Church who wasted no time in extending an invitation to attend. An invitation, of course, I rejected but had no problem with Mark accepting, which he did, and even rode with them to attend the service. Each week I watched Mark change and witnessed the light of Christ enter his heart and mind. It was wonderful to see because Mark’s beautiful soul deserved all the joy that a relationship with God brings. However, I still believed I did not deserve such joy and therefore refused to attend alongside him. Then, as the new year approached, Mark asked me to please join him for one service promising that if I did not love it as much as he did, we would find a church where we both felt comfortable. Very much intrigued, I accepted, and jumped in the car to attend what I just knew would be a one time visit. But my husband jokes that he knew otherwise, and therefore, never really intended on changing churches. He was right. That day, God spoke to me through Pastor Tommy as he delivered a message about forgiveness that had me in tears and glued to my seat beyond the end of the service as I swear, I heard God whisper, “welcome home”. Before I walked out of the sanctuary that day, I talked to God in a very real way, holding nothing back. The tighter I closed my eyes, the more I spoke and the more I cried. I could truly feel Him right beside me with his hand on my shoulder. This was the first of many authentic conversations with God.
In the fourteen years since this defining moment, God’s mercy and love afforded my husband and me the opportunity to plug into a marriage ministry that strengthened our relationship. We also received the incredible gift of being able to minister to at-risk youth, sharing our journey in the hopes they would learn from our mistakes. And, as if impacting children in this meaningful way was not a big enough blessing, God entrusted us with raising our nephew who was just a few weeks old at the time and, taking over custody of his half-brother as well. We could not love these children any more if I had pushed them out of my own body and Mark had cut their umbilical cords. Never again will I ever be convinced that one cannot make up for the sins of our past.
God has also remained by our side and comforted us through the many trials we continue to experience. Trials like the murder of my grandmother and additional emergent surgeries and lengthy critical hospitalizations that God has seen Mark through. And now, this pandemic where we are not only dealing with the anxiety of being high risk, but have the added weight of my being laid off. During this new defining moment, I am encouraged by the opportunity to discover God’s purpose for me while strengthening my relationship with Him and pursuing true transformation in Him. I am also determined to never again experience the depression and destruction brought on by amnesia around God’s faithfulness. As such, I have opted to arm myself with the following scripture as I take on new battles:
“So, let God work His will in you. Yell a loud no to the devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and He’ll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it’s the only way you’ll get on your feet.” James 4:7-10 - The Message
As I wrote this, I was reminded that my relationship with God is oxygen. For when I allow myself to think I can do life on my own, I can just about feel the air leaving my lungs. So, in these times where our souls are in constant danger, as chosen women of God, I invite you to also arm yourself with His word when taking on battles and to join me in seeking a stronger relationship with our Father.
