GOING AND COMING AND COMING AND GOING - It’s Madness!
By Brandy Grillo
As my mind wanders from place to place, thing to thing, moment to moment and person to person, I realize that I daydream a lot inside of this brain of mine. Many thoughts flow in and out. I realize I am consistently a busy person. At this point in time I believe all of us have become consistently busy too. Busy doing things or busy thinking things. Truth be told, being busy is not equally productive. I know this may be a hard truth to accept and for me, it’s been a harder truth to change. For a great deal of my life I have been coming and going and going and coming. Most times I have no idea which direction. I know I am moving though. I’m not one of those people who has a checklist, or to-do lists, or calendars on my phone and computer with events stored and alarms set. I honestly didn’t even have a planner for many years. I was like the true definition of the Nike slogan, “Just Do It.” I would be everywhere and anywhere. Yet, the places I weren’t in are where I needed to be, where I could make a change or make a difference. Be focused on me.
Ladies, I was an EMOTIONAL doer, sayer, thinker, and reactor. Don’t get me wrong, I still battle this behavior. It’s just not out of control as it once was. I can honestly say I am unlearning old ways to make room for new habits. Back to emotions that controlled what I did, how I did it, and why I did it. My emotions like to drive in the fast lane, pedal to the metal, windows let down, music blasting, hand out the window, while my hair blows in the wind on the way to a destination. As we all know, wild behavior doesn’t always get you to the right place. I would find myself running on empty, or needing a jump start, or needing a tune up, and eventually broken down. However, one choice made my life change because one night I did completely break down. When that happened, something inside me that I had never noticed before told me “this is a blessing in disguise.” I had no idea where those words came from, no idea how to feel, and no idea what to do. I’m here to tell you today it was God. He showed up when I surrendered. He moved me when I was stuck. He made a new path while I was in my own mess. He found me when I wasn’t looking to be found. He was there when I had no idea what I needed.
In my opinion, emotional feelings are very real and very false at the same time because what you feel is an actual feeling, but everything you feel isn't always true. Feelings are very impulsive, ever changing, and unpredictable. Let’s really think about this statement. Have you ever thought about how much you feel when you watch a movie or just in your day to day living? Have you ever noticed how one minute you want to work out and get so pumped up about the idea that you go out and buy workout equipment, matching workout outfits, shoes, accessories for the phone, get a plan together, buy a gym membership, talk about it, share your ideas but when it comes to doing it you feel like “not today.” This is what is called catering to the flesh. Every time you feel like you want to do something you do it and every time you don’t feel like doing it you don’t. Living this way is not what God has planned for us. Learning his plan has not been an overnight success for me. It takes more than looking up to the sky and wishing on a star, or drinking a magic potion, or a prayer here and there, or a Sunday morning visit to church. Everlasting change is an everyday committed relationship with God. It’s about reading your bible and applying it to your life according to God’s plan for you.
I wouldn’t be able to be in this place writing with my pen and paper if I was still living an emotional rollercoaster lifestyle. Honestly, I stopped writing for many years. It is a passion of mine but most times I made no time to write or I was emotionally unavailable to actually do what would be uplifting and joyful to my heart. Go figure. It took me losing myself for me to find God. Notice I said “me” because honestly he has always been there and I was not. After the one night that woke me up and I heard those words, “it’s a blessing in disguise” it took a few months longer for me to actually think about going to church again. I had not been to church since I was sixteen years old and I am now in my late thirties. I found myself one day emotionally expressing everything wrong in my life yet I had a peace about it at the same time that I couldn’t quite understand. The person I was expressing this to was a dear friend of mine who invited me to go to church with her the next time she went. I wasn’t excited about the idea but I wasn’t unexcited either. I remember walking into church in October of 2019 and found myself paying attention and focused when they talked about how to become a member of the church by taking a membership class. Instantly, I signed up for the next class which started in November. This time, this impulsive emotion led me in the right direction. I knew I needed to change. I knew I was a good person but I had a lot of baggage. In other words, I was wearing too many hats for my one head. I needed healing more than anything. I was tired of constantly being emotionally driven. I was tired of letting my emotions dictate my behavior. In that membership class I found myself again, after discussing what our spiritual gifts are. My gifts are writing and helping others. However, I didn’t know that 6 months later I would have the courage and stability to bring my writings to life and start sharing my writing gift with the world. God placed in my heart that I needed to start a blog which in turn led me to starting a podcast.
The best gift of all happened over a year later when my teacher in the membership class and I were having a conversation at church as we usually did when we would see each other. Out of nowhere she said she was waiting to actually read my writings one day. I looked at her in such amazement wondering to myself how did she remember what my gift was? What caused her to tell me this today? There went the emotions running all through my body. I wasn’t sure what to say to her until I realized, OMG, I have a blog that I hadn't told her about. I shared with her what I had accomplished and she was so happy for me and asked if she could share this news with others. I was delighted and said of course she could share my news. I told her it's based on inspiring and helping women heal. I had no idea that God had been working on this plan of his for me. I can’t recall the time frame but about a month or two later I was approached by the lead pastor’s wife at church who had read my blog and asked if I would be interested in joining the blog team she was building for women from the church ministry, CHOSEN. In that moment, I felt joy that was unexplainable. I felt passion. I felt this huge smile from ear to ear under the mask I wore that she could not see. I felt like I was being a difference and making a difference. I had no hesitation in saying “yes” and if you are reading this right now, this is my first blog piece. All Glory to God.
You can not change something unless you own it first. I knew I was an emotional wreck along with a bunch of other flaws. I have learned I do not need to react to what I feel just because I feel it. I do not need to do it just because I want to. I do not have to over react emotionally. I do not have to speak before I listen. God has definitely been my rock in this area and I can take a deep breath. I know deep inside myself that my emotions will stabilize and that I can have self control over what I feel. I know that I am Chosen and that I am free from letting my emotions control my behavior.
I would like to leave you with some comforting words. I want to tell you that you are not what you feel and you are not what you have done... you are God’s child. You are a daughter of the most high.
Here is one of the first scriptures I wrote down in my journey to freedom from my emotions dictating my life. I hope you can relate or maybe find one of your own eventually.
