Broken But Still Chosen
Lucy Kyllonen
As I sat on my bed I propped open my journal with my pen in hand ready to write. I could hear the rain hitting the windows and an occasional thunderous roar that would slightly shake the room. Even though it was the middle of the day, the dark clouds hid any hint of sunshine. The reality is, this can be your typical summer day in Florida and I enjoy the summer storms as long as I am not in it myself. But, I was safe within the walls of my home tucked away in my bedroom alone. However, there was another storm brewing, but this one was much different. This storm was found within.
As I struggled to pen my emotions and thoughts in my journal, I just couldn’t. I couldn’t focus. So I gave up that fight and instead decided to just be still with the expectation that God would show up and do His thing which was to calm my thoughts with that peace that passes all understanding and then viola…. He would reveal something to me! It sounded like a plan. After all, that’s what the popular bible verse says, “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10)
The rain was letting up but my thoughts were scattered and all over the place.
Nothing. I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t hear anything and I didn’t see anything except an empty journal page.
This scenario repeated itself more times than I want to admit. As a matter of fact, it left me frustrated. How can spending time alone with God, being still, leave me frustrated? I questioned myself and I began to process the scenario which is something that I naturally do. In that time of repeated silent meditation and processing is when I recognized an unwanted feeling of not being good enough, coupled with feelings of failure. When I honed in on those feelings that left me vulnerable, is when I realized that the stillness that I was so desperately trying to practice, wasn’t in God’s presence as I thought, it was in my presence. Ouch.
I was ready to condemn myself, but God gently and lovingly reminded me it’s about intimately knowing him. It’s about being with him without any expectations. In getting to know him more and His desire for my life, then I will get to know myself more and my purpose for this season and next. So, in the stillness, I was trying so hard to hear from Him. I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss anything He was trying to say to me. And, although I followed the “steps” I thought were necessary to receive from God, He just wanted me to come as I was-no agenda, no schedule and no structure. Just be with Him and just enjoy His company. I had made the stillness about me and what I can get out of it. Once the internal storm had settled, I could see the broken pieces that were left on the floor of my heart.
I made the stillness about me because I wanted something so bad. I wanted something so bad because I needed to fix broken pieces that reminded me of my failures. Pieces that would tell me I’m not good enough. This revelation mentally unraveled all the months of striving. Months of working so hard because deep down I had let life’s disappointments take root and cause me to work harder and better. Even though I know that perfection on this side of heaven is impossible, yet I still strive for things to succeed and to be as close to perfect as possible. Just thinking about it is draining.
As I began to get the hang of the stillness part and allowing God to dwell with me in my space, is when the Holy Spirit began to remind me of God’s truths. Truths that I have known, repeated and even preached, but had gotten buried in lies and false narratives. There was a mental (and spiritual) battle I was fighting. The more brokenness was revealed, the more shame I felt, but the more love from God I experienced.
Tears streamed down my face one day when I felt God say, “I love your brokenness.” How in the world is that even possible? And He reminded me,
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
(2 Corinthians 12:9)
He didn’t reject me when I was exposed. He didn’t punish or even correct me. He loved on me even more. I was the one that was punishing myself by working harder for something I can’t achieve on my own.
True healing and freedom began with this truth… I was never meant to be enough. I was meant to need Jesus! Friends, we are not enough on our own and that’s not a bad thing. We were never meant to be enough. If we were enough, we wouldn’t need God!
As women, I know we hold tight to those invisible unspoken standards about the way to act, talk and look. The problem is that every day we fall short in at least one if not all of these areas. We fail, we try to get ourselves back together and then we fail again, feeling not good enough and the cycle repeats itself. We’ve been there before:
The time we got impatient with our kids and snapped.
The time we forgot to respond to a friend in need.
The time burnt toast tasted better than your cooked dinner.
The time you were late to work, again.
The time you hated your reflection in the mirror.
You get it. I get it, but what I get more of now is that Jesus is all I need. Not more of me working harder to feel better about myself, but more of Jesus. Not being strong and courageous to feel better about myself, but being brave enough to be broken. My brokenness is what makes me stronger. God has a power ready to overcome my weakness. That means I can stop spinning in the hamster wheel that’s not getting me anywhere except tired.
This time, I opened up my journal and the words flowed out:
He’s given me a gift: Enoughness. I may not be enough in this world, for my friends, my family or social media, but, I am enough in His eyes and that’s all that matters.
He gave me another gift - the gift of Stopping. The ability to stop entertaining the lies of the enemy and the worlds definition of success as a leader, a wife, a mom, a friend, etc. He’s given me the power to stop the lies and believe His truths.
And, there’s another gift. My favorite one… Brokenness. The gift of being broken but still chosen. Being broken doesn’t disqualify me from living abundantly in His perfect plan for my life.
I promise you, He’s ready to show you the gifts He has for you and shower you with His love. Just be still. In Him.
