Celebrating Me

So…I’m a hermit. And I have a birthday coming up.

I will be twenty-seven years old come August of 2022. This is big for me. Not the birthday itself, but the fact that I am compelled to discuss and recognize my birthday. It’s not something I’m known for; I don’t like to mention my birthday or talk “birthday plans” with other people. And if you’re asking yourself “Why, Chrys? Why don’t you like to talk about your birthday?” I’ll tell ya!

I have childhood birthday disappointments, as I’m sure many of us do. I think I should mention once more that my birthday is in August. The beginning of August at that. Back in my day, many of my friends and I were getting shipped back home from our grandparents’ houses and getting ready to go school shopping. Everyone’s schedules were always a bit dicey, so I didn’t have too many birthday parties. (In fact, I can really only remember one legitimate birthday party with friends in the summer between 8th and 9th grade. That was actually really special since we were all spreading across high schools.)

It may be important to mention also that celebrating with my family back then often made me sad. Many times, my birthday seemed like an afterthought: driven to the store to pick out a slice of cake in between errands; getting a “happy birthday” from a relative that just so happened to call the house that day.  I would be remiss, though, if I painted a picture that I wasn’t loved or thought of on my birthday. I recognize friends who’d stay up for those midnight “Happy Birthday” calls; extended family decorating my room with balloons and making my favorite dinner.

I'm more interested in highlighting that my birthday was rarely made into an "event", unlike the people at parties I would attend throughout the school year. And because of this, I just don't make a big deal of my birthday. In many of the memories I have, I can remember thinking of how unintentional and uneventful my birthday was to those around me. Of course, I recognize that these are internal thoughts I’ve never quite shared, and so it may not be so fair to tsk at my friends and family; they could’ve genuinely not known how I felt.

I should admit that it doesn’t necessarily help that I’m a bit of a recluse. The word “recluse” may be a bit strong to use, but I’ve always thought it fits best. By definition, a reclusive person lives in solitude. And though I live alone, I interact with people every [and nearly all] day, like everyone else. I go to work; make phone calls; send emails; speak with customer service; have a discussion, a debate, an argument. But to keep anxieties and worries away, I’ve learned how to counter my daily activities with thoughts and exercises that keep my mind grounded. The best way I stay motivated through the days is by rewarding myself with “me time”. I’ll take a few minutes to read another chapter in my book or blow bubbles in my office. (Yes, I blow bubbles for myself in my office. Yes, my staff walks by just slightly confused until they remember who I am.) When the day is done and I’ve run my errands, I will admit that I can’t wait to get home to be alone.

But this has been my narrative for a few years now, four years to be exact. I’ve mentioned before that I recently moved to Atlanta, GA from Tampa, FL. I’ve been here for about a year now and so much has happened and shifted for me; I believe this year has been one for the books in the growth department. Around this time of the year, a few months before my approaching birth date, I tend to reflect on the woman I am presently. Then, I determine what she is ready to intentionally reinvent and cultivate within herself to become a better version of herself or a more stretched and refined version of me. This year, my reflections have been featuring this new realization that has been creeping into the back of my mind. I must admit, I never thought this would ever be a big deal to me but it's becoming quite the deal, but here it goes: I'm nearly thirty years old. I'm slowly, but surely approaching a new decade. In three years, God willing, I aspire to have "leveled up" in my womanhood, whatever that means at the time.

In true fashion to my reflections on the twenty-six years I've already lived, I want to tell myself some things. I want to congratulate my present self for deciding to choose herself first more now than she ever did in the past. I want her to know that I see the efforts made to constantly reset our mindset and heart to one that sits under God’s Kingdom. I want to appreciate her for being her own company when others disappoint, no matter their intention. I truly believe the woman I am has much awareness of who she is and how she should be treated. She knows what makes her happy as a servant and contributor to this world and has leaned into Him, to know His glory and thus learn about her own. She has worked for four years to create a safe space for herself. Now, I need myself to break from this zone of comfortability and do what I know comes next: fellowship and intimacy.

As I said, I have friends, close friends, and family that have been some of my biggest supporters and source of counsel when I need them. As I look around the Atlanta area, though, my friends are few and far between here. And as I plan for my future self, I’ve found that my goals have a lot to do with the fact that I have to step out of my reclusive world and engage with those around me in a way that connects who I am with whom I want to be. I need to be inspired by others; questioned by others; welcomed by others; loved by others; in communicating and collaborating with others. More than that though, I need to offer the space for others to get these things from me. This, I think, is what I should be incorporating into my interactions in the next year- no, three years - to come.

So, it’s up to me! I need to establish a welcoming environment for the me I strive to be, never forgetting the progress I’ve made thus far and remembering to stay under Him and His vision for me. At the end of the day, it’s pretty simple: friends will only come to my birthday party if

a) I have friends and

b) I have a birthday party.

With that, I know that the only way to find intimacy and friendship with others is through genuine fellowship. And I’m ready for it. :)