Daughter of a King
By: Janine Carrero
Pain changes us. Often hard to focus on anything else, we sometimes become consumed with anger while other times we become numb. Either way, we are continuing to focus on the hurt, which only inflicts greater pain that keeps us stuck in spiritual warfare. Sometimes we are blessed to find purpose in pain. Whether immediate or delayed, choosing instead to focus on the lesson affords us the gift of growth and draws us closer to God.
Little girls often look to their fathers for value and love. For many, entrusting one’s heart in this way is a beautiful daily reminder of worth that propels us forward in life and lends a hand in growing up to be strong, confident women secure in who we are and what we mean to this world.
For others, this kind of trust at times leads to what can seem like never-ending pain. From questioning our worth to the daddy issues that leave us vulnerable to prey. Chasing the unconditional love of a father is something we at times do blindly without realizing the dangers until we are part of the multi-car pileup on the highway of life. With our confidence barely having a pulse, relationships with ourselves and others struggle to stay alive.
Even with a father, we can get lost on this journey. So, girls growing up without a father have navigation issues as well from time to time. The loneliness and unknowns associated with this void have the potential to cause just as much -if not more- pain.
Which little girl were you?
How have you grown in the journey?
Father’s Day was always a hard holiday for me. Every year the simple purchase of a card made me sad because many of the sentiments did not match my experiences. I love my father and am grateful to have had him in my life but often his words and actions towards me -his firstborn- in comparison to my three siblings have left my soul beaten and bruised. As such, I always had to mentally prepare myself for the toxic gathering guaranteed to take me back to moments that make me feel less than and unimportant.
Not by coincidence, it was on a Father’s Day weekend that my eyes were opened to the truth about my worth. When the sky went dark, and the debris of insults around being useless was circling in the air I chose not to allow myself to get pulled into my father’s raging storm. In doing so, I was able to avoid the anger that usually consumes me…but I could not escape the cloud of depression that came rolling in. With each word he shouted, I relived childhood traumas that were the direct result of the abuse and neglect I suffered when he would rain down on me. Flashing like lightning were vivid images of things that have kept me in bondage. All of which proved to be too much this time as I longed for freedom. The norm has always been to just accept who he is and who I am because of our shared DNA with no hope of love without conditions. The problem was this narrative no longer served me as a woman who knows God loves His children unconditionally yet was still numb with pain. Then came the blessing. God covered me on the battlefield while I spent some much-needed time with my saddened soul upon reading a timely and thought-provoking Psalm:
Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
soon I’ll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He’s my God.
Psalm 42:11 – The Message
As I reflected on why I was so depressed, I realized that I once again viewed myself as disposable. This was the twisted sense of my worth since I was a little girl. “You need to make yourself useful to be loved.” Clearly a lie but when I did not measure up and an argument ensued, he would turn his back on me. Sometimes for months at a time without so much as a ‘Happy Birthday text. It was as if I had never been born. And in those moments, I would often think back to when my father admitted that he knew he could be treating me better and proceeded to tell me he would do so if I told my mother not to divorce him. This broke me. I wanted to be valued by him but not at the expense of my mother’s happiness, so I instead told her she deserved to be happy and so they divorced. Over four decades into the dysfunction and with his back turned to me once again I thought maybe it would have been better if I had not been born. I could go on hurting myself by continuing to reminisce on the many ways he has made me feel like I just do not matter. But the weight of such deceit has kept me confined in a dark locked room with only shadows of lies to keep me company long enough. So, at this moment desperate to find purpose in my pain I instead focused on the lesson; No one is perfect. My father was abandoned by his father as a child and hurt people…hurt people. This insight allowed me to see the sun and unlock the truth that set me free which is that I am valued and loved unconditionally because I am the daughter of a King! And Praise God it is my identity in Him that makes me worthy!
When you are down in the dumps, what does your soul long to say?
“All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, He brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of His healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 – The Message
The only perception that matters is that of our King! As His chosen daughters may we choose to always believe who He says we are and never doubt our worth in Him. And for His glory let us share this truth with other depressed souls longing to be closer to Him.