Feeling Late: My Journey to Trusting God's Timing

by Brandy Grillo

I am late! I am late! As the white rabbit runs as fast as his little feet can carry him, the time clock he is holding continues to ring loudly enough to come apart and back together again with every ring. In a frantic state of mind, he hurries through a small door to enter Wonderland. His entire journey in the story is his lateness. Lately, if I am being honest, I have felt the way the white rabbit is acting: I am late, I am late to the party that was meant for me! In the pursuit of my career path, I often find myself feeling like I am running behind schedule. I see others excelling in their education, branding their ventures, mastering marketing strategies, and becoming successful entrepreneurs while I struggle to catch up. But amidst these feelings of inadequacy, I wonder: Is being "late" truly a setback? Does success have a predetermined timetable, and am I failing by not meeting it? The most important question I must ask myself is: Can God ever truly be late?

There is this burning desire to become more than what I see in the average everyday individual, even in my current self. I do not want normal. Normal settles. It finds comfort in the familiar, yet it often falls short. Normal procrastinates, delaying the journey to becoming who I am meant to be. In our world, it seems like being normal just means going through the motions without really experiencing life. But I do not think being normal is necessarily a bad thing. It is just that the way normal is portrayed in society tends to prioritize shallow things over what truly matters, like living with purpose and authenticity. Normal is not for me; I am an outside-of-the-box type of gal. I have been dreaming since I was a small child of stages, inspiring others, and performing. Though I have been on stage in school plays and talent shows, as an adult, I have not stepped on the stage God has prepared for me. As the CEO of my life, I have come to realize that there has been much time invested in things that broke, people who are no longer here, mindsets that kept me stuck, love that failed, and my addictions to pain. For the past eight years, I have tried a travel agency called World Ventures, Amazon product selling, Facebook marketing, Ugamy (pyramid schemes), and now my brand WordzThatSpeak. I heard God’s voice four years ago to use the gift He gave me of writing. He told me to go public and minister through my writing, and that is how WordzThatSpeak was born. In 2020, I started WordzThatSpeak through GoDaddy. I started writing and posting, emailing people once they subscribed. Then it was crickets; I had only a few, sometimes even less than a few, reading my blogs or giving any feedback, and with no new subscribers, I was like, "God? Did I hear You right about writing?" Little did I know it was not just about me writing; it was about me marketing my brand. I needed SEO (search engine optimization), ads, social media, followers, and a lot more tools that I did not have in my writing toolbox. I started trying to figure out what I needed to do. GoDaddy, I loved them as a company, but the prices for them to help me were steep, and we were in a pandemic. No one knew where we would be headed from day to day. I tried to look on Google and YouTube, and the next thing I knew, I had many tabs open, some with courses people were selling, others with videos to watch, and channels I was now subscribed to. Hours spent watching and researching, and then I gave up on marketing after a month or two, feeling utterly overwhelmed with data and no action steps. Four years later, here we are in 2024. I am making no money, no products, no SEO, and have a small following. It is the same broken record playing: "I don’t know how to do this!" What used to be my dream and passion was beginning to transform into a daunting task.

I have not been back in school since I finished my MA (Medical Assistant program) in 2011/2012. I only got into medicine due to the street lifestyle I was living. I felt like I needed a career, not just a 9-5. I was unknown in corporate America from the ages of 19-26. I had been living the last seven years in the fast lane, making fast money, and it was not money that was being taxed by the IRS. It was not an easy transition for me, so I continued to do my side hustle until the age of 33, keeping a plan B for extra money. I have been in medicine for over ten years now and have only been employed at two jobs. One was with a Nigerian provider who hired me straight from my externship, and then I came to a non-profit, which I have been with since 2017. I remember the Nurse Practitioner I am matched with at my current job asking me when I would be a nurse. I would laugh and say that it is not me. For the last five years, I have been trying to get out of medicine, and thoughts of school were not even on the back burner; they just did not exist any longer. Until 2022 hit, and that year, I had patients and a new Nurse Practitioner, Daniel, at the company who kept bringing up nursing at random times. One patient even asked me when I was done with school. I had not even begun. I can say I felt a shift in my heart as I began getting closer to God and more involved at my church, enough to recognize that this could be God talking to me through these people. I had not looked at nursing in this way before. I brought my plans to the Lord, asking Him to show me the way, and in return, I got more comments about nursing. I started to write out my dreams and visions for my brand, WordzThatSpeak, and brought them to God. Then my heart started to shift, along with my perception of nursing. I love to serve people. I have a heart for the underprivileged, for justice, for health, and for equality in healthcare. In January 2023, I started my journey of going back to school online at age 37.

Here I am, like Alice chasing after the elusive White Rabbit, feeling the weight of time pressing against me like the ticking of a pocket watch. Just as Alice hurried through Wonderland, I could feel the urgency of catching up, constantly aware of the moments slipping away like grains of sand in an hourglass. The pressure of being behind, not having a second wind to catch up to the ever-hurrying White Rabbit—“Time.” The world can often feel like an overbearing bully, relentlessly pushing us to keep pace with its demands. It often feels like we are constantly bombarded with reminders of how we should be further along, achieving more, and doing better. Whether it is through social media, conversations with friends, or our inner dialogue, the pressure to keep up can be overwhelming. And amid it all, it is easy to fall into the trap of comparing our weaknesses to others' strengths, feeling like we are lagging. It is like everyone else is sprinting while we are stuck in slow motion, trying to catch up. It is a real struggle, feeling like you are always playing catch-up in a race that never ends.

Time is something we cannot get back, but it is shared among us all: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 365 days (about 12 months) a year. Each of us is the architect of our lives and must cherish the time we have each day of our existence. The struggle I am having is feeling late while racing to catch up. In the Bible, Paul speaks of the only race we should be running in Philippians 3:13-14:

"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

God has had to, since the beginning of the year and even now with me writing this vulnerable piece, sit me down, remind me, wipe my tears, comfort me, and send me back out with the promises in His love letter to me through His word. In Ecclesiastes 3:1:

“To everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.”

This verse implies that God has ordained specific times and seasons for every aspect of our lives. Additionally, some verses speak to God's faithfulness and reliability, such as Psalm 145:13:

"The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made."

While these verses do not explicitly promise that God will always be on time according to our human schedules, they do convey the idea that God is in control of time and will fulfill His promises in His perfect timing. His ways are not our ways. In my everyday life, the concept of God's timing often feels distant and abstract, but it truly resonates with me when I am in church, surrounded by worship and praise. In those moments, it is easier for me to connect with God and fully trust in His plans. However, when life gets tough and things do not go as I hoped, I sometimes find myself struggling to hold onto that faith. I can feel like I am lost in my own Wonderland, disconnected from God's timing and promises.

The concept of being in this world, but not of this world, is a huge concept that we believers must get right. I must take my eyes off myself and the world and start to focus my perception on my Savior, Jesus. I must know what the Kingdom of God looks like, so I can know the difference between the world and the Kingdom. As mentioned before, the race is not to get the career right, the degree right, the marketing right, the branding right, or to try to make up for lost time. It is to get Jesus right so that all may be right with my heart, mind, body, and soul. The worldly perspective will have me running toward a lifestyle that has me chasing after myself, the time lost, and focusing on my weaknesses. The Kingdom perspective has me running toward a lifestyle that has me chasing after Jesus, time that will be redeemed, and allowing grace to cover my weaknesses. Grounded in 2 Corinthians 12:9:

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Grace is the keyword for me in this season of my life. I need to explore this word on a deeper level and extend it to myself more. I am learning the importance of extending grace to myself, recognizing that the enemy often seeks to trap me in a cycle of self-doubt and comparison. It is easy to get caught up in focusing on what I have not achieved, how far behind I feel, and what seems beyond my capabilities. Yet, I am reminded that in God's eyes, I am exactly where I need to be—a part of the pruning process that prepares me for the blessings and opportunities that lie ahead. Looking back, I realize I didn't have the grace or favor of God. During my adventures with the travel agency, Amazon, and even in a couple of pyramid schemes like Ugamni, I was not in a relationship or partnership with the Creator of everything. I did not have the source of true guidance. I relied solely on my own wisdom and strength, trying to make a way where there was none. Needless to say, going my own way led me to a dead end. This time, I am with God, and He is for me. I no longer make plans without involving Him, and I am constantly seeking to understand His plan for this area of my life. I know He has called me back to pursue a long-lost dream of going back to school, a dream I had before becoming a teen mom. God has given me the gift of writing, and together, we are working on a book that will add "author" to my name. Following the guidance of Habakkuk 2, I am committed to writing His visions clearly and making them plain. Additionally, He is aligning me with fellow women in kingdom business, empowering us to become entrepreneurs for His glory.

This year, I have made a significant decision to dive into marketing, and this time I am fortunate to have an affordable mentor guiding me. They are helping me not just as a writer, but to embrace every aspect of the creative process—from envisioning to branding to social media management. I am taking on multiple roles, from janitorial duties to CEO responsibilities. It is a commitment to consistently display the gift God has bestowed upon me and share the testimony that is uniquely mine. Moreover, I have resolved to pursue my education diligently, even if it means taking the slower path instead of opting for a full-time approach. I trust that the opportunities meant for me will unfold in time, aligning perfectly with God's timing rather than my own.

We never fully arrive on our journey; it is a constant process until we take our last breath. I believe that the enemy has used the word “late” as a deception tactic to keep me feeling disconnected from my current calling, which is to write, become an author through my testimony, become a messenger of the good news of Jesus, become a nurse, and live a purpose-filled life for the Kingdom of God. The enemy has used worldly perceptions as a distraction to get me off the course that God has ordained for my life. As a wise woman once told me, “Distraction follows intentions.” Shout out to my mentor for that one. The enemy knows that I am a threat and God knows I am the woman for the job. Now, it is up to me to know I must walk by faith and not by sight. I must not look behind or to the left or right, but only forward.

Just like Alice in Wonderland, I often feel like I am running late in life’s journey. But amidst the uncertainty and the rabbit holes I may stumble into, I find solace in the certainty that God will use me wherever I am and in whatever season I find myself. It is a reminder that even amid the chaos and confusion, there is a purpose to my journey, and God’s plan for me remains unwavering.

Dear reader, as we journey through the Wonderland of life, constantly feeling like we are running late or falling behind, let us remember that God is the ultimate keeper of time. He not only creates time but also has the power to redeem it. So, if you find yourself resonating with the struggles of feeling tardy or lost in your wonderland, take heart in knowing that God's timing is perfect. Trust in His plan, for He is faithful to lead us forward, even when we feel like we are chasing rabbits.