Brandy

As the world turns, my mind spins as I try to be grounded in God's word. While I'm still living in this world of sin. I became a new creation once I again accepted Jesus into my heart to develop a relationship with him as a lost adult in this fallen world. I even got baptized during the first phase of the pandemic in 2020 at Fort De Soto Beach in actual beach water. A real dunk. Our faith was shown around people who got to see our witness on that Saturday as they were just hanging out at the beach. A certificate hangs in my bedroom above my work desk signed by Pastor T himself. A recognition with my name displayed that I claimed Jesus as my Lord and Savior …. Yet I have fought more from the day I prayed in October of 2019 to my writing this blog. The battles are nothing more than the battlefield of life. The battles weren't the problem since I knew how to fight. Life has taught that lesson the hard way. I entered the war for my soul when I decided to follow Jesus. 

The monsters no longer live under my bed-they are all in my head. I have found myself like Elijah running after the victory has taken place. I have different voices in my head that constantly talk. I have stumbled more than I can count. I start to feel like a hypocrite with a double-sided mind. 

Who am I? 

If I am not my mistake, then why do I feel so bad when it happens?

Why does the world always hold it against me? 

My identity was questioned. My beliefs were questioned. My values were questioned. How do I know what is wrong and still choose it over right? Then go and pray for forgiveness. Eeek...Like, go talk to God himself and say, "Hey yea, I sinned again ... please forgive me!" No, because what happens when I do this, again and again, leads to a tornado of cruel words against me as a believer. I honestly felt like giving up because I was too damaged to do this Christian thing. Then, one night on a Wednesday, Growth Night Bible Study at Crossover, I grew just a little bit more. Pastor Christopher taught about conviction and condemnation. These two words I didn't know the meanings to. The teaching was deep. God showed me that night that he wasn't condemning me; he was convicting me.

The conviction I came to realize makes my "spirit sick." We all know getting sick is something we try to avoid. Spirit sick is no fun, either. Talk about weakness! My soul dried up, and my gut churned all day and night- a heaviness on my heart tugging with every beat. Every time I messed up, I didn't want to pray, much less sit in my prayer closet and read the word. I would listen to the voice leading me away instead of drawing me closer. Trust and believe that the longer it would take me to pray and ask for forgiveness, the more the power of his spirit in me would convict me. It wasn't because I didn't want to confess my sins to him; it was that the deeply rooted trauma wasn't as easy as saying I won't do it again. I found myself saying one thing and doing another. I found myself believing while still looking back. I found myself divided. Eventually, I could see more wrongs than rights and not who God created me to be. 

My childhood was nothing glamorous. I wasn't raised in a church-based home. I did go to private school as long as my parents could afford it. It was only because it was better education. There is where I first heard of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I didn't ever see him in my home. I didn't see him in my environment. I didn't see him in me either. There were no role models except who was on the TV, the friends around me, and my parents. My father is a person who lives in pain, anger, and addiction. He was always in and out of jail. He was not a nice person to my mother. TV just showed sex, drugs, violence, money, and how as a female, you should look. Beauty as the world defines it. The friends I had, their situations were no better than mine. I always believed in God. There was no doubt he existed; I just didn't know where to find him. 

Funny enough, God knew where to find me. He's pretty good at this. Now that I am found, it has been an adventurous journey into the unknown. To not be the same and change and develop a Jesus heart. To commit to what is bigger than me so that I may be a witness. To be a light instead of hiding in the dark. I can discover, develop, and display who I am meant to be. It's a second chance at this thing called life. I honestly know that the enemy plays a huge role in this. He tries to keep us living in this fallen world, living by the rules of this fallen world and having the fallen world live inside us. The enemy knew the day I stepped back into the church; he knew when I became a member, and I became curious about this new world of God's word and love. He knows when I pray. He knows when I don't. He doesn't want to let me go. He doesn't want to let you go. He doesn't want any of our souls to be freed. 

The good news is that God is working on you simultaneously to show you that you are not damaged goods; you are free and powerful; yes, you will make mistakes. Still, he is there to guide and lead you; sometimes, he has to carry you. Remember, the flesh is against you and against God. When God sends you to do something, you will have to practice. His laws don't come naturally. The only rules you need to play by are in the word of God.

I have added some tools to get me through every day in this war I am in. I put together a small pocketbook of scriptures and uplifting quotes I carry with me everywhere. I go into my prayer closet regardless of what I have done. When I can't speak, I allow my heart to cry out, and my mouth is silent. I have learned more about conviction versus condemnation. I try a little more every day to get out of living in my emotions and start living with them. More importantly, I have found a character in the Bible named David; he made many mistakes but had a heart for God. In these things, I can see God. We together are now building on solid ground instead of sinking sand. 

David wrote in Psalm 19:11-14, "By your teachings Lord I am warned; by obeying them, I am greatly rewarded. None of us know our faults. Forgive me when I sin without knowing it. Don't let me do wrong on purpose, Lord, or let sin have control over my life. Then I will be innocent and not guilty of some terrible fault. Let my words and my thoughts be pleasing to you, Lord. Because you are my mighty rock and my protector."