You Need Time Alone
By Chaunte Bluford
“So He Himself often withdrew into the wilderness and prayed.”
Luke 5:16 NKJV
Before recent times, I cannot remember a time when I was single and alone. I mean alone like no dating and no male phone calls other than platonic friendships. There was always someone. Either I was married or dating. Sometimes I went on dates with men even if I knew there was no future because I could not handle that feeling of being alone. I stayed in relationships longer than I should have and entertained people I should have not entertained all for the sake of company. I remember years ago, speaking to a friend who was fresh out of a bad relationship looking to find someone new, my advice to her was “maybe you need some alone time”. Her response to me was “you are not alone so how can you tell me I should be alone”. We laughed about it but she was right. It was easy for me to say but not easy for me to do. After that conversation, I would spend a few more years on a rollercoaster ride of dating, marriage, and divorce before tragedy struck and grief forced me into “alone time”. For the first couple of years, I had to focus on healing from my loss. I did not have the capacity to maintain a relationship where I could barely function. Around the third year, I began to focus on figuring out who I was. I had lost my identity in relationships trying to be what others needed or wanted me to be. Finally, I decided to focus on myself.
People may not realize there are so many benefits to being single and not seeking. One benefit is you can become more comfortable in your own skin. I used to be so obsessed with the way I looked when I went outside. I needed makeup, heels the whole shebang to go anywhere. I was late for everything because I changed clothes 15 times. I never knew who might see me so, I wanted to be ready. Another perk is if you don’t have children you don’t have to worry about cooking if you don’t want to and you don’t have to clean up after another person. There are also fewer people to argue with or disappoint you. Well, at least those were my perks. Seriously, when I eliminated dating for that period of time, I was able to focus on myself, my goals, and my relationship with God. I studied the Bible more. I did more ministry and I even got my real estate license- something I always wanted to do. I did things I never had the courage to do like teach bible studies at a senior building, lead small groups at my church, and took the steps to start my own business. I grew so much spiritually during that time I believe because there were minimal distractions. I gained valuable insight about myself. I became a projector of my time and space. It was such a peaceful time that my own mom was afraid I was going to become a nun and a friend felt I was becoming too comfortable being alone. It felt good no longer accepting everything that came my way. I created boundaries and standards. I knew what I wanted and what I deserved to have in a mate whenever that time came. I was unwavering when men approached me. I was no longer afraid of asking men the hard questions in fear they may walk away. It became easier to move on immediately when I knew they weren’t the person for me most times after one conversation. I stopped looking at dating as a sport or time filler. I recognized it was meant to be a prelude to marriage. I stopped being thirsty for attention and company. Instead, I became hungry to know all about the innermost parts of me. I only wanted to receive God’s best for me.
In the Bible, God gave us great examples of some things to do while we are single in the book of Ruth. After Ruth lost her husband, she focused on caring for her mother-in-law. She went out and found work. During her time working, she was noticed by Boaz the owner of the field she was working on. She had a great reputation and a stellar work ethic. She did not go out looking for a husband. In fact, when the time was right her mother-in-law guided her on the path to remarry. Ruth followed the instructions and she and Boaz were married. Her child is included in the genealogy that leads to Jesus Christ. For most of us being single is tough and God understands because he created us for companionship and fellowship. If we open our eyes, we will see the beauty in the season of singleness. It is a time to cultivate our relationship with our Heavenly Father, so we can know His voice. Once we know His voice, He can guide us and give us instruction. If we listen, we will find identity and purpose during this time. We can be like Ruth just going to work every day because she and her mother-in-law had to eat. She did not know at the time her future husband was watching her and making provisions for her. In our singleness, we can either sit idle, use our time hunting for a mate with no guidance, and be miserable; or we can pursue purpose, serve others and live the best life possible in this season until God opens the door to the next. It is our choice. Being single does not truly mean being alone if we have a relationship with God. He is always with us. He promised never to leave or forsake us. Be encouraged!
