Finding Faith in the Park

By Brandy Grillo

It's 8:12 am, and the house is up. I felt a tug in my heart to go just be and take in the wonders of creation to allow nature to flow within me. Since there was no work today, I decided, as I looked at my dog Bane, we were going to the park. He had no hesitation in agreeing with me. His ears perked up, and he gave me a look. He spun around in his happy dance and sat at the door, awaiting his collar and leash. I wasn't aware that I would write this blog in the following moments to come. But God. 

There is quite a beautiful park near my house that has a huge lake that surrounds it with a nice walking trail. Life the past few days had been a whirlwind of emotions surrounding my health. Today, it was not in the plan to give my emotions the driver's seat. They were staying, and I was escaping. Nature works together and creates an atmosphere where we often want to be. Away from the problems and burdens of life while leaping into the presence of one of God's finest creations. In creation, there is a loud silence, and my soul tunes into the sounds of the birds singing their love songs, my eyes fixated on the butterflies floating along, landing delicately on the flower; I chuckle at the bravery of squirrels on their hunt for food. The trees surrounding me with branches swaying and offering shade, a place where blue skies have dancing clouds with no limits, and in the whisper of the wind, I find myself in a world not of my own but a world outside of my norm. I was in that magical place today on a day we celebrate freedom on Independence Day 2023. As I gazed at the birds soaring in the sky, I had the urge to want to fly too, but I was grounded, and humans can't fly. Then I heard a word from God - “the birds do not worry. They fly. You want to fly. Stop worrying, my daughter.” 

 I'm in a season where I have a health condition. Though diagnosed, it has an unknown cause. I do not know what is triggering my body; therefore, it's a lot of what if’s and maybe's floating around. Since March of this year, my body has been breaking out in hives covering almost every part of my body. Miserable is not even a close enough word to express the feeling. A metaphor I might use could be lying in a bed of fire ants, just rolling over them like a dog. The first six weeks were tough as no medications could be prescribed since I was still in the acute zone. Once the six weeks passed, I was in the chronic zone and could get steroids prescribed to help relieve the hives. Now, about ten years ago, in my late twenties, I had this happen to me, but I had no insurance through my employer, so everything was out of pocket while being followed by an Allergist. No real testing was done thru the Allergist since it was unaffordable. I recall taking an allergy test provided by the doctor I worked for since, in his opinion, food was the main cause of my situation. I truly believe what he preached at that time of my life, but back then, it was not of value to me. The allergy test came back, and I was allergic to everything! The struggle to eat differently was here, and it was time to journal my every move and eat rabbit food. How exciting! Eventually, the hives subsided within the year, and I was free from the itching, swelling, discomfort, and steroids. I cannot say it was entirely food related that caused them to leave, though I tried and failed many times in that eating journey. My pathway to better days had arrived, and I happily joined the path. The diagnosis remained the same idiotic chronic urticaria, unknown cause.

The unknown cause did not ever really fit well with me. I didn't even get an answer, but there were many opinions. The stress I was under at this time in my life was intense, and I was not saved, so there were no me and Jesus' moments to help me get through. The stress opinion seemed to fit the best, and it became the answer. I had them due to unmanaged high levels of stress, I told myself. I could never confirm this, but it was better than unknown. The unknown is a hard place to be. Feeling stuck. Not knowing which way to go. What question to ask when the answers lead you nowhere closer to where you already are. Unknown leaves room for doubt and fear to creep in like smoke from a fire. The suffocation begins, and the unknown starts to become a negative response to the circumstance at hand, to the season of uncertainty, to the words of fear, not faith. Everything has a reason and a purpose behind it. Why can I not know why (as my inner child stomps her feet)? It's my health; it's my body fighting against an unknown disease. It's hard enough to fight what I know, but how do I fight what is unknown is a question I have asked God since the restart of this health condition. The verse He placed in my heart was Psalms 16:8 "The Lord always is with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right by my side." The battle may be unknown to me and the doctors I am seeing, but to God, it is not unknown. The battle of my skin may be raging, but my God is with me always. The battle may be trying to deplete me, but I will not be shaken. 

 About 60% of people living with or have had urticaria vasculitis may never find out the cause; there are individuals living with this disease who have been through doctors, medications, and testing and still have no real answers. The stories I have read about this health condition were shocking. There are people who have had hives every day for years without any rhyme or reason that we humans know of. It's mind-baffling to me if I sit in the thought too long; my emotions can drive me into worry, scratching at my skin trying to figure out what is unknown. I am grateful when it's a good day, and I am not overwhelmed by how my body looks, feels, and responds to the treatments. On those days, I continue to praise God for what I may not have been giving gratitude towards before this situation, like my skin. I can't recall the last time I was praying, thanking God for my skin before the hives, but let me tell you now, these knees hit the floor, and it is praise; it is part of the prayer. I am grateful. 

 The war inside my body has been ongoing for five months. This time I was followed by a Dermatologist who did blood work which all came back normal, and he did a skin biopsy. Once the biopsy results came in, we spoke on the phone. It explained to me I had now been diagnosed with Urticaria Vasculitis, which means my hives are caused by an autoimmune response that attacks my mast cells which causes my blood vessels to flare up into hives. Interested in knowing more, he gave me a website to explore and demanded I not use Dr. Google, which I promised I wouldn't, and I did not. No need to add unknown cause plus death in two days to my head space. There were many causes, which could be cancer or other skin-related diseases, which are causing my body to react in producing hives.

I was referred to a Rheumatologist to have further evaluation. I figured this was the next step in the journey to get an answer about what was happening inside my body. I have now met with this Rheumatoid doctor twice, and he and I are concerned about the usage of longtime steroids and their effects on the body. I am already about 8 pounds gained and have high cholesterol levels; the best part is my face is puffy. (Ugh!) It's only been since April that I have been taking this medication too. The plan was to add two more medications to my regimen while slowly tapering off the steroids, tricking the body into not needing them, and replacing them with less severe side effects.

I am not one to go to doctors' offices unless it is my annual visit; I don't have any health problems or have seen any specialists since my last encounter with these hives; honestly, it is exhausting and pricy. I have a different perspective on health now that I am older and more self-aware of my health. I find myself bouncing between my faith and what I see; I believe God is working on strengthening my faith in the unseen. I find myself thinking of another autoimmune disease that people all over are living with and are struggling to live with their bodies attacking them. My heart goes out to them though my situation is the bare minimum to many other diagnoses. I don't only imagine what it must be like; I have a better understanding. I find myself fighting for my well-being and health in this unknown season with an unknown cause. This time I am saved, and this time, I do have Jesus' moments to carry me through and through-this battle has an end date I am unaware of when that may be. Though I find myself in breakouts that are out of control, I know God has control. I am not going to lie, though; I must fight my flesh and say God is in control because I can still tend to worry about how he is doing it.

 Worry is expected in the unknown ways of life; worry is like a hand in hand when life throws curveballs at you, and you don't bring your glove to the game. Worry keeps us on the ground, rocking back and forth in a chair that does not move an inch. No matter how fast or slow it rocks, you stay in the same place. I had been pretty good about my attitude towards the hives since my last doctor's visit last week; I was getting a little bit further in my journey than the previous time, and I felt like, yes, I would get the cause, my body is going to adapt, and soon I will be on the other side hive free! Then the weekend hit, and I went from no breakout in a little over a month to being covered on my stomach, sides, and legs. I looked in the mirror at my body, the welts, the redness, the inflammation, and all I saw was an unanswered prayer which led me to be concerned that nothing would change, and I was not as far as I once perceived, just a few days ago in the Rheumatoid office. Worry found me instantly, and I began to question God, where are you? Why is this happening? Where will it end? I kept looking at my body, and tears were falling. I felt defeated by my own flesh and blood. I felt as though my sickness was winning. I felt grounded, unable to fly away while again wishing I could. After the questions were asked, it was a silent prayer time in my closet. As I left out and into my day, I could feel God whispering, "Have I not commanded you to be strong and brave? Do not be discouraged or afraid, for I am with you wherever you go." I leaned on this verse for the rest of my day. When I got to church, I was given some information about juicing and detoxing the body, and that led me to find more natural ways that are within my control to fight back against hives and replenish my health. By the end of the day, I had a plan, not a worry.

 At the beginning of this blog, I mentioned having the urge to fly, but I looked at my circumstances and who I was and shut the idea down. If there is anything in this health situation that I know God is trying to teach me is that what my eyes may see, what my ears may hear, and what I may feel is not always the truth. My circumstances do not define me. God does. He is the source, the answer, and the provider, and that is enough. 

 The birds of the sky have access to fly; they have wings that help them to soar with the wind and glide down into the trees. They do not worry. They know they will have what they need, and that is enough. Jesus said, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them." (Matthew 6:25-26) 

  Our spirits can fly. We are children of God, the creator of flying. We can soar above all things. Even with our circumstances close, we can do all things. Whoever you are and wherever you are, remember that you have wings like an eagle. He has commanded you to soar, allow your spirit to break free from the circumstances you see, spread your wings, and glide through the faith of the unseen. Though I have a plan, I must remind myself that my life is in his hands. Though I have no control, this sickness is not my home. Though the reports say one thing, my God has the final word. Though I am still in the unknown, I will wait on the Lord. Then I can spread my wings and fly. 

 In a world driven by tangible experience and instant gratification, there is something extraordinary about navigating life with faith as your compass. It's about believing in the invisible, trusting the unknown, and embracing a path illuminated not by what our eyes can see but by the light within our hearts. 

In this season, I must walk by faith, not by sight.