Addicted to Pain
Have you ever burned yourself, then turned around and did it again on purpose? What about stubbing your toe? Did you try and get your other toes too? How about a paper cut? Those little bad boys hurt. Did you say, "OUCH," let me see that paper and do it again?
I pray not. Honestly, who enjoys getting hurt? I want to say nobody, but recently God revealed to me that I'm addicted to "pain.' OUCH.
Let me start by saying this blog is a vulnerable one. It has taken some time to put these words together. It's taken me some time to learn how to express this addiction to pain. Even saying it seems strange. I wasn't like, yea God, you’re right. I was more like, huh? No, I'm not. I don't even like pain. I got defensive first, then emotional, and then realized what He was referring to. No, I don't inflict physical pain on my body. I know some people in this world do, and that seems to bring them relief. That is not me. It's more of a soul pain if I can best describe it. God has revealed to me the true addictions to the pains of the past, like the pains of trauma, the pains of overthinking, the pains of beating myself up, the pain of addiction, and yep, those painful lustful thoughts. They are my own painful habits and routines. God is saying it's time to let go of the pain and be healed. I am on my knees, praying to deliver me.
John 16:33 says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
As Christians, the bible clearly states we will have troubles and suffering. It does remind us over and over again that God will never leave us nor forsake us per Deuteronomy 31:8, that He is our fortress, our strength. He has given us power and authority over the deadliest snakes and the strongest lions per Psalm 91. We won't even drown when crossing through the waters or be burned when walking through the fire, per Isaiah 43. Do you feel that protection surrounding you as you read those words? Do you feel empowered to know you are protected? Do you feel the strength of his love that surrounds you?
We have the VICTORY.
He leads me beside still waters. He restoreth my soul. When you become a believer, your spirit is made right, and sometimes the SOUL doesn't get the notice. I have been suffering for the wrong stuff. In this journey of restoring my soul, I am starting to understand how to read the word of God. I can see the transformation in the power of his word. I know that these prophets and disciples suffered for the glory of God. My addiction to pain, as stated above, is not bringing any glory to God. That's not what God intended for me or for anyone else. Jesus didn't come to save us for us to still be in bondage. Christ came so we may be set free. So we gotta fix this, as I look up to heaven.
If I am going to fight, please let me be fighting on the right side, preferably the winning team, as I pray. In my prayer time, He revealed that I have not entirely switched sides; pain cannot strip me of my authority, but I can hand it over. I am the one who is honestly blocking the power and authority He has given me. Below I will share a few ways God has shown me this.
When I allow my pain to control me, I end up speechless in my prayer closet. I tend to disconnect. I end up replaying memories that lead me nowhere but back. Venting instead of praying, speaking with men who are counterfeits. Overthinking every word, action, or plan causes distractions instead of focus. The trauma of my abusive father and the burden of watching my mother keep a family together while losing herself made pain closer than joy and my defense numbness. My vulnerability to authentic human connection has become hidden behind anger, sex, alcohol, drugs, and money.
"Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail."
Luke 22:31-21
When I fall into my addiction to pain, I will choose the one I know I can make it in, which is where the entrapment, the chains, and the bondage is in the numbness where I feel nothing. My heart stops beating to love and turns cold. I completely shut off any healthy feelings allowing my heart to go deceitful. My aggressive nature is covering up my vulnerability. In that simple "I know I can make it in," I already have my plan, my escape leading me to the same places I have already been. This auto cycle is nothing more than the same old trick the enemy uses to get me headed down the same roads over and over again with no new results, just extra jabs at the wounds that have not yet healed. Another sequel to the original movie. It is becoming more apparent that this addiction to pain did not just start here with me. Oooh, no, this has been in my family for some time, the pain we all seem to be addicted to, the generational bondage around pain. We all deal with this differently, making it harder to call it out by name. I am no longer blind while I'm in the process of healing. I know where I need God to intervene. As I write these words, I am also writing to my Creator to lift this pain and deliver me fully with no residue or stain left. I am ready to meet this woman he has created me to become that is only addicted to his love and freedom !!!!
I am wandering around in the wilderness after being saved from Egypt. Nope, I am not being chased by a Pharaoh in Egypt with chariots; I am not about to cross the Red Sea; no, I am not physically wandering around in the desert looking for the promised land. But I am paralyzed by pain keeping me from my promised land. Kinda sounds like those Israelites. The story we hear about so often, the story that we can't believe they really did all that, the same story, just a different day. Let's take a moment to look at the book of Exodus.
Exodus Chapter 13, verses 21-22 reads, "During the day the Lord went ahead of his people in a thick cloud and during the night he went ahead of them in flaming fire. That way, the Lord could lead them at all times, day or night.” This reveals to me God is always with us.
Exodus chapter 14, they get saved. An angel from God goes ahead of them to help prepare the way. A large cloud came between the Israelites and the enemy, bringing light. In contrast, the enemy, the King of Egypt, and his army had darkness. To me, that reveals light can be leading while darkness can follow.
In Chapter 16, they are 2 months into this journey, complaining, old habits return, fear, doubt, all of this has started to bring back pain. Pain leads them to decide on the wrong pain. Instead, they have the pain of the past rather than suffer for the future of the greater good. This reveals to me they allow the past, along with the circumstances of the moment, to cause suffering that God never intended.
"I say, then, walk by the Spirit, and you will certainly not carry out the desire of the flesh." Galatians 5:16
I have been asking God to reveal what I need to know to start putting one foot in front of the other. Over time I can honestly say I am releasing every day a piece of me that is no longer allowed to stay and allowing God to put something new in to replace it. I am willing to learn how to suffer for the glory of God and not to the addiction of pain. I am not trying to wander around more days than needed. I don't want to delay blessings; I don't want to suffer for the pain; I want to suffer for the glory of God. I decree and declare I will be in peace, I will be a faithful daughter of God, I will speak fervent prayers, I will not allow pain to control me, and I will find what the prophets and the disciples found in the suffering; that brought them peace that exceeds all understanding from Gods word.
I pray that these words are received and delivered. I pray that you will find comfort in knowing that no matter your story, God will meet you there. As long as you consistently seek Him, invite Him, walking with Him, He will release any and all pain that you may be addicted to too.
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, crying, or pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelations 21:4
By Brandy Grillo
